Simplicity

Maybe it’s just our female nature but many of us including myself make things so complicated that it’s hard to undo all the ties. I know life can be tough and it can bring many challenges. With it complexity life also can be simple and easy. I have noticed how easy my days are when I don’t worry, when I take one project at the time and when I simply don’t answer the phone and when I choose when to sit down in front of my computer. It took a while to train my body not to jump every time the phone rang or to walk towards my beloved laptop every morning. Maybe it’s a client, maybe it’s my best friend, maybe I will miss something if I don’t answer phone or check my email. The phone as well as many wonderful electronic toys in our live are here to serve us not to control our behavior and not to make ourselves dependent on them.

Today life is simple, I smelled the fresh cut grass, I didn’t worry about the big workshop coming up, I played with my daughter on the floor, I made butterflies and stars from paper, I am going for a run now. I will answer all my calls in just few hours, there is nowhere to rush. Life is an experience. Create your own. Don’t let anyone do it for you.

another thought about tantrums

I ask my clients how they handle their child's tantrum and it inspired me to write more about it. It is a charged topic, I know many parents who turn into books in search of answers. Don't get me wrong, I love books, there so many incredible books written about parenting but one thing you can't find in the books is your unique answer. There isn't a universal formula that we can apply to each child and family. The beauty and mystery is that each family is so unique and each child is unique and each child brings a different perspective into this world and into their family. So how do we approach a tantrum and stop it? The answer lies within each one of us as parents.

Let's start from the beginning. What is a tantrum and why is it so bad? I personally don't think there is nothing wrong with throwing a tantrum. We label it as a bad behavior and usually when we talk about tantrum, we mean children as if adults never throw them. I think adults throw more tantrums than children, it's just expressed differently. Perhaps, there is something wrong in the child's universe and there is a need to be frustrated and there is a need to express. Unlike adults, children are very present and they are very open. If they are happy, they express it through play, if they are unhappy, they scream as loud as they can, if something bothers them, they throw tantrums. If a tantrum is in public, it's even worse because now a parent is dealing with public's judgment (good or bad). If a parent trying to force strong values and belief systems on a child, usually these children throw more tantrum, it's their way of resisting it. Jean Leidloff observed natives in South America and one thing she noticed right away that their children don't throw tantrum, they seem to be very happy children. After living there for a while, she noticed that they also allow their children to be who they are without changing anything about them. They recognize the uniqueness of each child's spirit and allow a child to develop his/her own sense of reality, understand the values in their own unique way. Strong values means no change, it means this is how it is. No movement. It tells children what is good and what is bad. It's space of no change. Meantime, children and childhood is a dynamic space. Childhood is a ever-changing event. Child is different from last week, every new parent knows that. They change so fast and by the time, we catch up to them and know what they like, they change again. So, to be a parent, it requires you to be present, be willing to be flexible, to look within, to learn and respond to your child differently each time she/he changes. Parenthood is really about change, openness, flexibility and expansion of our universe.

In order to deal with a tantrum, you must be present and know your child. Is she throwing a tantrum to control or is there really something that needs to be addressed right now?. Imagine a tantrum as a space where your child has lost himself/herself. Sometimes, the best way to deal with it, is allow your child to be there and give them space to find themselves, sometimes, it requires to hold them, sometimes, it's best to make a play out of it. I find that when I make a play out of her tantrum, it's simply goes away and now we are playing. Play is what children do and love, because play has no outcome, it just simply is. Play is being present, play doesn't lead to anything, play is imagination and wonder, play has no judgment. Play is an ongoing process of experience and discovery.

To deal with tantrums, we should deal with them from the space of play. Approaching parenting as play will release us from cultural and family expectations, it will release us from predetermined values and pressures of the society.

Daydreaming

I understand that the job of a parent is to make sure our children are socially acceptable, to teach them how to interact and be social and most of all to be successful in life (whatever that means for them). I also watch my daughter to do things that are out of social acceptance and expectations. The agenda of the day is what to do when she announces that the toy belongs to her or when she decides that she is going to make inhuman voices or when she is in her dream space not being responsive. I think every parent can testify that children go to a place full of imagination, wonder and dreaming, it’s a real world with real friends and animals and play. They are day dreaming. I also notice how that seems to be a problem in our society, allowing children to daydream. Nowadays, they even created drugs that can take your child out of this space of imagination and magic. Recently, a parent was complaining to me about his son’s school. They told her to get him on drugs because he wouldn’t sit still for 3 hours. He is not even 5 years old. I don’t know about you but as a 5 year old, I was running in the grass everyday, climbing trees, watching the sky move, playing, destroying, creating, finding news species of insects, sometimes eating dirt, tasting the chalk and dreaming. My mom still tells me to come down from the clouds. No thanks. It’s too much fun in here.

When did we start expecting 5 year old to be still, to be reasonable and serious? Yes, we want our children to succeed in life and that means to play the social rules, to get good grades, a good education but can we allow our children to be children? Let them dream. Next time you see your child absorbed in his little world, take a step back and let them dream because those moments of wonder are not just passing moments, they shape the way child understands the world around and what’s her place within this world. They are using their imagination to create their reality. So what do I do when my daughter starts making inhuman noises in the public? I laugh. I let her be because she will get it out of her system and will jump into a new experience.

Today a 3 year old and a the 31 year old are holding hands, walking down the street, enjoying the sun, talking nonsense, using their imagination, making funny noises and daydreaming.

judgment

I write about judgment a lot, I am not sure why. Perhaps, I see it in every aspect of our lives. We have been taught to place a judgment on everything, from clothes, to behavior, towards the weather, the person sitting next to us etc. I also notice that as parents, we tend to jump to judgment when dealing with our children. We were in the playground when a child came to me and told me that my daughter is not a good person. I was shocked. I was hearing this sentence from a 4 year old. When did 4 year old children start judging instead of dreaming, playing and being children? Let's not forget that children simply mimic our behavior. If they see their parents judge someone, they are going to do the same. And the pattern continues.

Sometimes, we forget how sensitive children are, they are very connected to both worlds and very sensitive to their environment and the energy in that space. You may smile and tell your child that everything is OK but they know if something isn't. Same way with judgment. There is no need to say anything but if you are judging your child, it affect them immediately and they are more likely to rebel and resist. Usually with younger children it comes out in a form of a tantrum and misbehavior.

My daughter has a strong character and she is not shy about being aggressive and take things from other children. As a parent, it's my job to teach her about manners, not hitting, being police and being socially acceptable. When I see her do something she is not supposed to do, I also notice the urge to judge. I take a moment, take a deep breath and I center myself and deal with her from the space of calm and seniority. It's not about punishment or judgment. Parenting is a communication space and a space to be present and mindful. To be mindful also means to be aware and neutral to what's going on around you, there is no judgment, there is only a present moment to be, to witness your thoughts, feelings, impulse to judge and so on. Presence allows us to see that parenting is a spiritual path filled to joy, tears, frustration, sometimes anger and so on. We practice being present when we ask ourselves, where am I right now? Why am I so upset about this? Where do I hold this pain in my body? What triggered me? Does this have to do anything with my parents and my childhood? How can I release it and be more present and gentle to myself?

Now take a deep breath and be present. Through presence, we are able to practice the art of centering and we are able to access our own spiritual information as parents rather than dealing with children from our automatic habits learned from our family and society.

Trust your intuition and trust you instincts.

Struggle, not struggle, struggle, not struggle, what to do

I was asked a great question today. What are my struggles this week? At first, a million things came to mind, my daughter doesn't want to listen to me, work has been crazy busy, I don't have enough time for myself, and I am sure I could find at least another 10 things I struggled today.
I started to think about this word and to me struggle means hardship, frustration, sometimes not knowing what's next.(I really should look up and see what the dictionary says. Perhaps, in the morning )
I realized that I haven't struggled today, I have been dealing with life, having fun, almost crying a couple of times, working hard and creating new projects for my workshops, playing at the beach, watching really bad kids cartoons and making puzzles.
It's about how you approach what's in front of you. If you see it as a struggle, you will create more struggle, if you see it as a problem, you will be problem solving all day possibly without any results.
Maybe I am crazy but I don't mind dealing with tantrums, doing the dishes, paying bills, listening to my friends complain without giving any advice. Struggle? Sometimes. When I see myself stressed, I know I am in a struggle mode. All I have to do is take a deep breath, close my eyes and meditate for few minutes or hours if I have the luxury, clear everyone's demand for my attention out of my space and then a miracle happens. I realize that I don't really have any problems, I am simply dealing with life and all the surprises it brings us every day. I chose Not Struggle for the time being. I am sure I will switch to struggle mode at some point tomorrow and hope I will be aware of it.

Fun morning

For me most mornings are associated with rushing, getting ready, making breakfast, making sure everyone is OK and ready to leave the house to be socially acceptable. Those mornings where I am rushing to get everything done create stress and an illusion that there is not enough time to accomplish everything. I wanted to step away from the morning madness and start a day with playfulness and enthusiasm, rather than dreading my to do list.

This morning, instead of rushing to the kitchen to turn on the coffee machine or jump into the next item in my to do list, my daughter and I simply crawled into the couch, read a couple of books, did some spelling and had about 10 minute bubble fun. Who thought that making bubbled in the morning can be so much fun? We changed the energy of the day. Hurry is an energy that we fuel the body, playfulness is another vibration we can fuel the body yet what a difference it makes.

We took the playfulness into the kitchen and chopped strawberries and bananas for the oatmeal, admired the process of water boiling and laughed when she spilled some strawberries on the floor. Consequence was a fun morning, joyful breakfast and she couldn't be happier to go the daycare. We even had enough time to take picture of her new outfit for the grandparents.

It's really about what kind of energy you are running in the body. If you want get everything done perfectly or if you are rushing to get things done, it may create tension and stress in your body . I believe that we can accomplish even more when we are not stressing the body with demands and when we are running such a light energy as playfulness. Children know a lot about the energy of play. I think it's OK to match them from time to time. It truly make things easier and more fun.

Now, I am writing and even though I lost my first article and had to write another one, I am calm and full of enthusiasm about what today is going to bring into my doorsteps.

Tantrums

I have noticed that when there is a mother with a child in public, everyone's attention goes towards them. We like to watch them and place judgments "he is a good father or she is not a good mother etc" We do it everyday. We place judgments on everything every day. Many people even watch really TV and thrive by judging others. Judgment is a very popular thing we do daily. Even if it's unspoken, people can feel it. Children are very sensitive to it and will always react to it sometimes by throwing a tantrum, resisting it, crying and doing something not socially acceptable.

I was standing in the line at the coffee shop when a mother with a year old walked in. Everyone's eyes were on the kid and on the mother. Sometimes it seems there is a parent police in the public. We tend to forget that children are very sensitive and very aware of energy. When everyone is placing their attention on them, very often they don't like it. There is too much energy and attention on them. Even some adults don't like to be in the center of attention in the middle of coffee shop where they don't know anyone. Back to my story, he started to cry and wanted to get out of the stroller and go outside. Meantime, the mother who is also under surveillance is trying to make sure he doesn't lose it and throw a tantrum in public. What would all these people think? Unconsciously, we tend to place a pressure on the mother and on the child. If a mother cares what other people think about her, he will compromise herself to make sure the child isn't crying. She will take him outside (not that it's a problem), she will try to talk to him and explain why he needs to stay calm, she will do anything to prevent a tantrum. Why? What's wrong with a child throwing a tantrum. I don't think there is anything wrong. It's just our society has placed a negative judgment on it and as parents, we react to it.
Tantrums. We tend to view them as a problem. A perfect child never throws tantrum according to some people. I had an opportunity to meet parents who wanted their 3 year to sit still for 4 hours. In their universe, a good child sits still and never throws a tantrum.
I suggest viewing a tantrum NOT as a problem but as an event where the child is not himself/herself. She has lost herself and lost her space. As a parent, our job is to help them find themselves and their truth Not punish them for a tantrum. Tantrum is not a problem, tantrums start from placing too much attention on them, asking them to do too much, placing too many expectation on children and they rebel. Sometimes, children throw tantrums because the adults around are not present and are not being in charge. Even though children like to control parents, especially after 2 years old and like to be in charge, they are still children and their bodies don't have enough information to handle everything. If a child is in charge, he will melt down, if a parent is not present, she will scream to bring the parent into the present time.
Tantrum is their way of expression and communication, it's a way of releasing the energy that has been placed in their space. Giving them space and permission to express will release the energy and will give a child space to find himself. As my daughter says after a loud scream or a tantrum "I am better now mommy"
Now, take a deep breath or two, notice your body, notice if you are centered and present in the body. Parenting is a space where we grow, we learn to communicate, we learn to be present and in charge while giving our children the space to be themselves. Don't worry about what others are saying, whispering to one another. Simply recognize that your own family is unique and how you handle your each child is going to be unique. Don't allow other people expectations or demands to dictate your next move and your truth in parenting.